It is coming, the inevitable will happen and it will start right here in Japan! I am of course talking about the end of human domination on earth.. but it is not too late to turn our fate around!
Major world news organisations such as BBC and eh.. The Morning News… have reported on this world threatening issue but no-one has noticed because the articles have been hidden away in the light-hearted science and nature sections.
However, people I am here to tell you that this problem can no longer be ignored. As I write this article I am fighting the urge to scratch numerous itchy bug bites which on a lesser man could lead to insanity and random acts of violence. Not only is the threat of the insect attack very real but they are inordinately organised beyond comprehension..
Whilst researching the threat of the insect invasion I have uncovered several clues to the secret hierarchy of the creepy crawly army. In Okayama alone there are examples of the following on every street corner, in every public park, upon every river or stream, and somewhat invisibly in every fecking room! I have managed to ascertain the following roles:
- Mosquitoes – Psychological Warfare Specialists – their bites individually cause mild irritation but en masse the slowly suck away the mental stability of the target, resulting in wanton and inexplicable acts of violence (verbal and physical) against other innocent humans.
- Dragonfly – Medium to Long Range Reconnaissance Units – These guys are the insect equivalents of helicopters.. they hover just out of reach listening and observing human behaviour, as soon as they suspect trouble they zip off at an astonishing speed.
- Butterfly – Close Quarters Reconnaissance Units – These troops are often decorated in colourful and pretty uniforms, they appear harmless as they amble about on a seemingly random path. In Okayama, I have seen black butterflies that are almost as big as my head.. they are specialists in close quarter observations and as most of humankind are fascinated by their beauty they are allowed into our comfort zone to provide more specialist information to their HQ such as scent, and armour construction. Butterflies are the enemy, wake up from your naive dream world.. or the destruction of human earth lies firmly on your grotesque pimply corpses
- Hornets – Frontline Aerial Division – This is clear, they are the harbingers of aerial attacks, they are not aggravators like the mosquitoes, they mean business, they are here to instill fear humankind with the constant threat of very painful stings. They know when and exactly where to attack.
- Ladybirds (AKA Ladybugs, Ladybeetles) – Bio-cartographers – Oh look at that tiny, cute, ickle ladybird.. let her crawl over your arms and hands and giggle when her tiny legs gently tickle you.. NO!!! These devious little creatures are mapping out the weak points on your body in order to inform the legions of hornets and mosquitoes where best to sting or bite you! It is no coincidence that those mossie bites are located in an area which is difficult to reach, or on the side of your temple when you have a date. Maintain a distance from these cruel beasties!
- Praying Mantis – Artillery – Just look at them.. they are itching for a fight!
Still not convinced? Then chew on some of these ‘facts’ from Digital Beat:
- There are currently more than 1,000,000 known species of insects, more than all other types of animals combined. Scientists estimate there may be another one to thirty million different species not yet discovered.
- Insects currently outnumber humans by around 1.6 billion to 1. Another estimate puts the global population of insects at 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 (10 quintillion).
- Global warming may bring an alarming rise in the insect population, according to a University of Washington study. This bug boom could lead to greater spread of insect-borne diseases like malaria and Lyme disease, or worse….
Check out the rest of the terrifying facts at digitalbeat.com If we agree to cease all hostilities towards our 8 legged allies then I am sure that poisonous spider attacks on humans will cease to be.. and therefore there is no longer a need to be scared of our new friends. No longer will we attack our lost buddies with newspapers when they accidentally stumble into our baths, instead lets reach out the paper of peace, and gently guide them to a less watery location! Okayama is a haven for giant, colourful and courageous spiders and they are fighting the good fight for our benefit, they do not ask for anything in return, perhaps just simple courtesy. In fact I am happy to report that in a neighbouring town called Kurashiki, reverence for arachnids is so high that a dedicated graveyard has been constructed for those spiders who die in battle defending us ungrateful giant bipeds. The second suggestion is one more or less specifically for the Japanese government. You need to have an open door policy for us Scottish citizens, for it is a well known fact that we Scot’s have a natural shamanistic power. We celtic ambassadors carry with us the ability to conjure rain, not at will per se but certainly with a mundane but exceptionally useful regularity. Insects hate rain! .. OK so do spiders but once we are at a more advanced stage of peace talks with the arachnids we can discuss my designs for miniature harnessed umbrellas.
However, there is still hope, but if we are going to save ourself then action is required NOW! I have a few potential solutions. The first is going to be a little controversial for some of you, but you must put aside your prejudices and start afresh for the sake of saving the world. Here goes..
