Bushido Dreams

Death by Happy Slapping – Rebirth

Dreamer — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 10:24:16 +0000

Well thanks to the wonder of Softbank internet, this update is a good few weeks later than intended but many, some or at least a few of you will be very happy, mildly interested or unaffected by the fact that I indeed survived the ordeal of Hadaka Matsuri (Naked Men Festival). Although as it turns out it was less of an ordeal and more of a mildly violent, entirely unique Japanese experience which rates up there with the best of them.

So for the future gaijin entrants to this annual festival I leave my summary of the night’s events to hopefully give some insight into what lies ahead in an event which is talked about greatly but very little details are actually known.

The build up to the event started a few weeks prior to the great night, when myself and a small handful of other willing gaijin (or perhaps GONADs) attempted to drum up support for a 9000+ man battle royale. After a few weeks of hard bargaining and networking we numbered aproximately twenty. This, as I saw it was enough to take on the hordes of Japanese.. anyone familiar with the film 300 will probably be able to see where my flawed logic was coming from. However, the logistics of the event proved a little too tricky and our large group ended up splintered into small parts, our party consisting of just four gaijin.

The team generates some adrenaline prior to the proceedings!

Some of the guys arrived at Saidaiji a few hours earlier than our larger party planned on arriving so we were already down by about 6 people. Thanks to this event being the 500th the schedule was changed and the starting time was brought forward 2 hours, so the group of guys coming from Osaka were racing against the clock to make it on time. The remaining 10 of us (and 2 lovely female supporters) headed to Okayama train station after getting gently toasted thanks to an hour in an izakaya, some conbini chu-hai and my hipflask of The Glenlivet single malt whisky. Inexplicably we managed to get split into two groups at the station and our party was reduced to four.. and the two girls! (The Osaka party actually managed to meet up with a splinter group of ours on the train to Saidaiji!)

After some futher liquid courage consumption on the train, we arrived in the town of naked men, hoping that we could await the arrival of our remaining squad. This was not to be however, a Japanese friend had kindly offered to get us somewhere to be changed and to join a large pack of Japanese competitors. As such we were whisked away down the windy streets to a dark street, whereupon we were guided into a wooden building where lots of guys were getting strapped up. We were on that list, I should state at this point if you have any self-confidence problems then this might not be the event for you. Within a few minutes we were standing bollock naked in front of a rather suspicious group of young ladies, waiting for a desceptively strong, small Japanese gent to attach our fundoshi.

TIP: CLENCH your buttocks when getting wrapped up! Unless you have a friend that can carry your testicles in her purse.

TIP 2: A hipflask can easily be concealed in a fundoshi, however be prepared to lose it in the wrangling later.

Huddling, like cuddling but for large groups of near naked men.

So then the excitement begins! I got asked to pose with a photo with the young female spectators, which was nice ^_^ Once everyone is costumed up, we make our way into the streets for some communal huddling, shouting and adrenaline pumping. “Wasshoi! Wasshoi” being the main stream of chanting.. however as my testicles lightly touched the chilly water pool within the temple compound a bit later, this was adapted to “Wa-fuuuuucking-shoi!”

Now we are a streamlined, fired up chanting team of naked nutjobs and we start off in a frenzied slow jog (almost polka) through the dark streets of Saidaiji, where everyone who was sane enough not to volunteer.. and all of the women, line the sides of the streets eating hot snacks and drinking an array of beverages. After a while our group met another group so we rather cordially jogged on the spot to let them past and then we followed immediately behind them, further back in the pecking order much the same well-mannered shennanigans were taking place. This is the calm, before the storm.. but don’t be fooled, the politeness does not last all evening!

After what feels like about 20 minutes of jogging our group crossed the threshold of the compound, where about 500 armed policeman line the area between the spectator’s area and the .. battleground. Occassionally a Shinto dude throws small amounts of cold water on the passers-by and by this point it was fantastically refreshing. We are then led down a path, through a 2-3ft deep pool of exceptionally cold water and immediately afterwards are left to our own devices in the arena of sweaty men.

Henceforth, the games begin proper! The four gaijin in my small collective huddle together to finish of the remainder of the whisky and then suitably quenched we attacked the waves of men trying to squeeze into the temple. As within the temple are more people throwing water and where the lucky sticks (shingi) are thrown from. What follows is utter carnage, but of the most joyous kind! I was running on pure adrenaline.. I had my head hair pulled, my chest hair pulled, my leg swept from under me and my knee twisted. I had my ass touched more than I care to think about and at one stage after being separated from my team I got pushed back from the main temple floor and feel down about 4 stone steps.. thankfully I landed on someone else (alas this is where me and my trusted hipflask parted ways).

Wasshoi! Wasshoi!

However, I still fought on and was involved in both main tussles for the two genuine shingi, I got my hands on one of them a few times too.. which must mean some reflected luck? At one stage prior to the second shingi being thrown I was in the middle of the temple, within catching distance! For a man of my slight stature, this was indeed a proud day!

However, all good things have to come to an end and towards the finale of the event the largest Japanese man I have ever seen outside of a Sumo tournament took offence at my existence and threw me by the neck.. With cat like grace I landed on my feet and though it didn’t need saying really, a few kinder Japanese souls advised me to make a retreat.. I decided to take their advice!

Now, I have to consider myself quite lucky as one of my friends who participated but missed our train got very badly beaten and ended up in hospital with concussion! Another gaijin from a different group apparently got urinated on! The worst that happened to me is that I got a little bit lost on my way back to the changing place, a policemen took me to a wee makeshift udon stand and I got free noodles, a good chat with a bunch of old boys and then picked up and escorted back to my clothes.

This was an event that I’ll remember for the rest of my life and I am truly grateful to have been allowed to participate, so Japan I thank you, all of you.. even the fat racist man.. you are forgiven lard ass.

The Osaka Guys, featuring some of our initial group. Courtesy of platonicmojo on youtube
More information on the Hadaka Matsuri can be found at Japan National Tourism Organization’s website.

Death by Happy Slapping

Dreamer — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 03:22:35 +0000

Today, is the 3rd Saturday in February which around these parts means only one thing. It is 裸祭り (Hadaka Matsuri – Naked Man Festival) day, and in a sudden rush of masculine pride I somewhat regrettably have volunteered to take part.

You see, I am only in Japan for 1 year on an exchange program and at this stage I am uncertain of whether or not I will return as anything more than a tourist. Therefore, this year is all about gaining unique experiences that will live on with me until that fateful day when I stop remembering.. and then after the onset of Alzheimer’s there will be death. However, there is a risk that I may prematurely meet the ultimate end tonight and in a very humiliating fashion. What good will the collection of unique experiences do me then.

I suppose there are probably some of you reading this article that don’t know what the Naked Man festival entails and may be thinking that I am over-reacting just a shade. Well, let me explain.. The event starts at 10pm tonight, in a country still in the midst of winter. The 9000+ (all male) competitors are stripped of their dignity and their clothes and dressed in a fundoshi and tabi, hence the humiliating fashion of death.

The event involves running around streets chasing and trying to fondle a naked bald man, shouting ‘Wasshoi’ as your main means of warming up. It is believed that this guy absorbs the bad luck from anyone who touches him. At some stage we will be asked to sit in a river, which I am led to believe isn’t pre-warmed for us. Then as we run around sadists or Shinto priests will periodically through very cold water over us.

After a few hours of this torture we stand in the square of the Saidaiji Eyo temple where a priest throws two shingi (small sticks) into the heaving crowd and the poor bastard that catches that is then immediately pounced on and killed. The aim is to get one of the two shingi standing upright into a big bowl of rice. The person who manages this wins 1 year of either luck, happiness or fertility.. depending on who you ask. There are also another 100 or so bundles of willow strips which also bring good luck.. but at this time I know not of the periodic restrictions of this luck.

So will I back out and just watch from the safety of the stands? Will I fuck! I have a 1 in 9000+ chance of a year of happiness.. and if it goes the other way then sayonara everyone.. it’s been a fun ride. If I do survive, not only will it be more evidence to the growing case that I am unbreakable but I shall also regale my tales of physical abuse for you on this site.. that is once I am over the pneumonia and full function has returned to my hands.

More information on the Hadaka Matsuri can be found at Japan National Tourism Organization’s website.

When Kit-Kat flavoured Kit-Kats just aren’t sufficient

Dreamer — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 06:14:44 +0000

It seems that there is a general trend in Japan, one which frowns upon such flavours as original.. The focus instead is a world of mind-bending imagination where any possible flavour combination will be accepted without question.

This is of course a well known phenomena to those of us with an active interest in Japan, but despite this, for the benefit of those sets of eyes perusing this site which were not previously aware of this curious activity, I’ll share my experiences!

Those of us of a Scottish inflection may well remember a brand of crisps (potato chips) called ‘Highlander’ who tried to market Irn-Bru flavoured crisps. That was a fucking stupid idea, but on a par with that has to be the Japanese Halloween special flavoured Kit-kat, the insane flavour I refer to is sweet potato! .. that is not a typo! (see graphic on picture below)

Whilst I don’t have a sweet tooth and am not really much of a fan of chocolate, I will endeavour for the sake of all my friends in less insane places to make a point of trying every flavour of Kit-Kat that I happen upon. Thus far I have sampled the following:

Salt & Caramel

Unsurprisingly, this one tasted quite nice.. it’s not a massive leap of imagination, the savoury nicely balanced out the caramel sweetness.Ginger Ale

Coated with a Ginger Ale flavoured white chocolate/candy.. this is a bizarre flavour to accept.. I think I liked it though.. I think..Kinako Ohagi

Meant to taste like a rice-based cake (mochi) covered in kinako powder and filled with red beans. Actually tastes like Kit-Kat.. disappointing!Carrot & Apple Kit-Kat

Tasted far, far too much like the packaging suggests! My stomach was on a spin cycle after this ill-advised creation.

You can find out more about the seemingly endless string of Kit-Kat flavours on the contantly updated Wikipedia page, I shall continue on my journey through the wild and wonderful despite the audible screams of concern from my stomach!

Photos from Arashiyama 2009

Dreamer — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:54:11 +0000

The following set of photographs of my favourite city in Japan (so far), Arashiyama is located to the west of Kyoto and is quite simply stunning.

I visited in 2006 for the first time and 24th of October 2009 I revisited. On both occasions I have found the locals to be very friendly and have enjoyed exploring the various sites including: an awesome monkey park; a small old temple high up in a mountain; a large park with bamboo forests; a quaint and very beautiful river and a lot of nice places to eat.

More photos can be found in my Arashiyama picasaweb album.

It is coming, we have to act now!

Dreamer — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 06:28:08 +0000

It is coming, the inevitable will happen and it will start right here in Japan! I am of course talking about the end of human domination on earth.. but it is not too late to turn our fate around!

Major world news organisations such as BBC and eh.. The Morning News… have reported on this world threatening issue but no-one has noticed because the articles have been hidden away in the light-hearted science and nature sections.

However, people I am here to tell you that this problem can no longer be ignored. As I write this article I am fighting the urge to scratch numerous itchy bug bites which on a lesser man could lead to insanity and random acts of violence. Not only is the threat of the insect attack very real but they are inordinately organised beyond comprehension..

Whilst researching the threat of the insect invasion I have uncovered several clues to the secret hierarchy of the creepy crawly army. In Okayama alone there are examples of the following on every street corner, in every public park, upon every river or stream, and somewhat invisibly in every fecking room! I have managed to ascertain the following roles:

Mosquitoes – Psychological Warfare Specialists – their bites individually cause mild irritation but en masse the slowly suck away the mental stability of the target, resulting in wanton and inexplicable acts of violence (verbal and physical) against other innocent humans.
Dragonfly – Medium to Long Range Reconnaissance Units – These guys are the insect equivalents of helicopters.. they hover just out of reach listening and observing human behaviour, as soon as they suspect trouble they zip off at an astonishing speed.
Butterfly – Close Quarters Reconnaissance Units – These troops are often decorated in colourful and pretty uniforms, they appear harmless as they amble about on a seemingly random path. In Okayama, I have seen black butterflies that are almost as big as my head.. they are specialists in close quarter observations and as most of humankind are fascinated by their beauty they are allowed into our comfort zone to provide more specialist information to their HQ such as scent, and armour construction. Butterflies are the enemy, wake up from your naive dream world.. or the destruction of human earth lies firmly on your grotesque pimply corpses
Hornets – Frontline Aerial Division – This is clear, they are the harbingers of aerial attacks, they are not aggravators like the mosquitoes, they mean business, they are here to instill fear humankind with the constant threat of very painful stings. They know when and exactly where to attack.
Ladybirds (AKA Ladybugs, Ladybeetles) – Bio-cartographers – Oh look at that tiny, cute, ickle ladybird.. let her crawl over your arms and hands and giggle when her tiny legs gently tickle you.. NO!!! These devious little creatures are mapping out the weak points on your body in order to inform the legions of hornets and mosquitoes where best to sting or bite you! It is no coincidence that those mossie bites are located in an area which is difficult to reach, or on the side of your temple when you have a date. Maintain a distance from these cruel beasties!
Praying Mantis – Artillery – Just look at them.. they are itching for a fight!

Still not convinced? Then chew on some of these ‘facts’ from Digital Beat:

There are currently more than 1,000,000 known species of insects, more than all other types of animals combined. Scientists estimate there may be another one to thirty million different species not yet discovered.
Insects currently outnumber humans by around 1.6 billion to 1. Another estimate puts the global population of insects at 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 (10 quintillion).
Global warming may bring an alarming rise in the insect population, according to a University of Washington study. This bug boom could lead to greater spread of insect-borne diseases like malaria and Lyme disease, or worse….

Check out the rest of the terrifying facts at digitalbeat.com

However, there is still hope, but if we are going to save ourself then action is required NOW! I have a few potential solutions. The first is going to be a little controversial for some of you, but you must put aside your prejudices and start afresh for the sake of saving the world. Here goes.. .. OK, we must embrace our comrades, our allies, our arachnid friends. No, don’t be so quick to dismiss this suggestion.. think about it. Spiders eat insects! Simple.. more to the point before spiders eat insects they catch the blighters in their extraordinarily beautiful web structures.

If we agree to cease all hostilities towards our 8 legged allies then I am sure that poisonous spider attacks on humans will cease to be.. and therefore there is no longer a need to be scared of our new friends. No longer will we attack our lost buddies with newspapers when they accidentally stumble into our baths, instead lets reach out the paper of peace, and gently guide them to a less watery location! Okayama is a haven for giant, colourful and courageous spiders and they are fighting the good fight for our benefit, they do not ask for anything in return, perhaps just simple courtesy. In fact I am happy to report that in a neighbouring town called Kurashiki, reverence for arachnids is so high that a dedicated graveyard has been constructed for those spiders who die in battle defending us ungrateful giant bipeds.

The second suggestion is one more or less specifically for the Japanese government. You need to have an open door policy for us Scottish citizens, for it is a well known fact that we Scot’s have a natural shamanistic power. We celtic ambassadors carry with us the ability to conjure rain, not at will per se but certainly with a mundane but exceptionally useful regularity. Insects hate rain! .. OK so do spiders but once we are at a more advanced stage of peace talks with the arachnids we can discuss my designs for miniature harnessed umbrellas.

Bushido Dregs – Episode 2 – Kirin’s とれたてホップ Beer

Dreamer — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 14:05:35 +0000

Tonight, I had a very pleasant evening out with a girl who has quickly become my best friend in Japan. Someone who in the larger picture I’d already comfortably place amongst my best friends from home. We had a very tasty Taiwanese meal and a few cold beers. It was great, but as all seasoned drinkers know, a few beers is a dangerous amount and the only way to avoid the ‘twilight zone’ quasi-hangover is to supplement a few beers with a few more beers until you are at the safe level of 6 or 7 beers. Then and only then can you rest assured that you will wake the next morning without a quite frankly unfair hangover.

So for the sake of my health I cycled to the local 7-Eleven on my way back to the dorm and picked up some beers that as of yet I have not experience, or even seen before.

Let me introduce you to Kirin’s とれたてホップ Beer (Fresh Hops). This is appears to be a limited edition beer using fresh TONO hops from this years crop (I’m gambling on the use of crop, my speciality in the beer lifecycle is the pouring of and drinking of.. not the pre-beer stages!).

First impressions are good, this is a visually pleasing can of beer and also is produced by Kirin who arguably may not produce the best beer in Japan (I favour Suntory Malts, followed by Asahi Super Dry), but they nonetheless from my experience have a very solid track record. This colourfully packaged beverage does not let the good name of Kirin down, not one iota.. indeed I am going to stick my neck out and say that this delivers quality in truckloads..

Probably tea trucks, I may have been led down the garden path by the elaborate green decorations but this beer reminds me of a refreshing cup of good quality green tea. I have skimmed the kanji on the can and have not seen 茶 (tea) printed anywhere but the taste is unmistakeable (almost..).

The beer definitely delivers on the fresh taste that it promises and has a distinctly Japanese flavour, as such I am going to award it a finely carved Halloween pumpkin, three warts and a witches hat.

The one reservation I have is that I don’t think that I could drink vast quantities of とれたてホップ beer.. but is that really a bad thing? Ladies, Gents.. kids(?) go out and buy this beer I don’t think you will be disappointed.

Have you consumed Kirin’s とれたてホップ beer? Are you the genius mixologist that accidentally dropped your flask of tea in the hops vat? Do you know of a drink (please keep suggestions of an alcoholic nature) which can provide an equal or greater amount of satisfaction? Or even one so bad that it has to be tried to believed, then please share your knowledge in the comments section.

PS I will not drink Sapporo Draft One or Suntory Super Blue ever, ever again!

Bushido Dregs – Episode 1 – Clear Asahi

Dreamer — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:33:13 +0000

In Japan at the moment there is a regular TV ad for Clear Asahi, showing a well-known actor with a delicious looking, frosty pint in each hand, part of the way through the ad there is a short guest appearance from the little funny dude from Gaki no Tsukai.. So I have to say that I cycled home from the liquor store on the crest of a wave, filled with a spritely, cheerful anticipation of what I thought was going to be the unassailable king of Japanese beers.

It isn’t, not even close. This beer reminded me of the beer my dad used to drink when I was a kid.. Kestrel! My theory has always been that he purposely bought Kestrel in order to discourage me from drinking, and sure enough, one swig of it was all it took to discourage me from drinking.. Kestrel ever again.

Clear Asahi is in no way as bad as Kestrel but it takes on the metallic taste of the can in much the same manner. I have found that the majority of canned beers that I have consumed in Japan have successfully managed to taste very much unlike aluminium and very much like nice flavoured beer, as such I am more than a little disappointed to find that this beer falls at this simple hurdle. It is otherwise a pretty unoffensive and well.. uncharacteristic beer and I can’t say that I’d recommend it… that is unless your only other options are the budget Suntory beers! It scores a lowly 2 legs of an Okayama arachnid!

Anyone want to buy 5 cans of the very delicious Clear Asahi at a knockdown price?

Have you tried Clear Asahi? If so, please share your thoughts in the comments section. Also, if you have any Japanese beer, whisky or liquor recommendations then also please let me know.

Welcome to the farm!

Dreamer — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 05:51:36 +0000

Now that I am sort of settled in to my new home and determined to lift this blog back out of it’s stasis, I thought that I would start of by addressing a misconception about my new city.

On the day that we found out which university we were being assigned to for our exchange year, myself and my fellow students stood outside the Asian studies office anticipating the worst. The worst at this particular point was Okayama, the reason being that one student in particular who had studied at Okayama University the previous year complained publicly to all of my classmates about how little there was to do and that Okayama was a backwards farm. When the list of our assigned host universities was announced everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief, except me who cursed and left the building in a bit of a strop.

However, my destination was the library and reliable Mr. Internet made me feel considerably better about the location of my exchange and now that I am here I couldn’t be happier!!

You see Okayama is nothing like a farm, I will concede that there are definite agricultural areas within the city but this place is the capital city of the Okayama prefecture. I come from Scotland as I’m sure you all know and the biggest city in my beloved homeland is Glasgow, a place which may be described as a battlefield but certainly couldn’t be called a farm. The population in Okayama is approximately 100,000 more than that of Glasgow city (excluding weegie suburbia).. moreover, the area of Okayama is about 130 km² bigger than Glasgow!

There is no shortage of activities in Okayama to keep anyone busy and if by some amazing act of determination you do run low on activities then there are many, many cool and interesting places nearby to visit. Okayama fucking rocks! When I return to Japan after graduation, if I decide to do a post-graduate degree then I will be applying to return to this city and Okadai! .. and if anyone from Okayama happens upon this article then thank you a million times over for making me feel so welcome!